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I don't know when they're planning on updating the DSM, the big book of mental health diagnoses. But when they do, I want to propose a new brand of crazy.
We all know someone who suffers from this heretofore unnamed disease — let's call it Cultural Rigidity Syndrome. Perhaps the afflicted person is preoccupied with books or art. It could be food, or modes of dress, or even cartoons.* Sufferers are often obsessed with music, and assign a moral value to certain musicians or genres.
Let's define this disease together, starting with the diagnostic criteria:
A. Extreme preoccupation with one mode of culture, such as cinema, popular music, or fiction.
Dolly Parton
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B. Failure to understand that consumption of culture is a morally neutral act. Many sufferers hold the irrational belief that American Idol-style schlagermusik is a sign that the end-times are upon us.
C. Five (or more) of the following symptoms are present during the same two-week period, and represent a change from previous functioning. Symptoms are accompanied by (1) unconcealed scorn for others, or (2) distressed affect in the presence of culture of which the patient does not approve.
1. Upon discovering that an artist has found a way to procure a marginal living wage, patient froths at the mouth and accuses the artist of "selling out."
2. Patient habitually scans bookcases and CD racks in every room he/she enters.
3. Patient experiences diminished social and romantic opportunities, because patient cannot open up to anyone whose cultural interests fall outside of his/her rigid parameters.
4. Patient makes frequent references to "back in the day" or "before [Band X] was featured in that goddamned VW commercial."
5. Patient drops potential social contacts because they deliberately went to see The Devil Wears Prada or they admit to an unironic appreciation of Dolly Parton.
6. Severe occupational impairment may occur if patient works in a record shop or bookstore. Subject may grimace, roll his/her eyes, or even become physically ill while handling Britney Spears albums.
Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada
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7. Patient may feel real, visceral guilt when indulging in guilty pleasures, thereby canceling out any real enjoyment. A joyless pallor of the skin may result.
8. Patient reads Rolling Stone and Spin to find out which bands to avoid.
9. Most healthy humans are susceptible to earworms, or songs stuck in the head. Resistance to this phenomenon points to deep pathology. A simple clinical test can be performed: Mary J. Blige's "Family Affair," TLC's "Waterfalls," and Salt-N-Pepa's "Push it" provoke involuntary booty-shaking in unaffected subjects. If neither bumping nor grinding is observed, add a point.
10. Some patients may support excellent bands for the first few records, hailing them as the future of rock music, then abandon them when they actually become the future of rock music. Whoops.
Cultural Rigidity Syndrome hurts us all. Therapies for CRS include a diet high in fiber to relieve constipation and a close daily reading of the New York Times. When one realizes that we're in the middle of a war, it's much harder to get upset about Justin Timberlake.
* If you become apoplectic when others describe anime as "cartoons," you may be a sufferer.
Posted May 2007
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